What is strength-based parenting?

Dec 1

In The Strength Switch, psychologist Lea Waters points out that we are often more attuned to our kids’ shortcomings than to their strengths. Strength-based parenting does the opposite, focusing first on the strengths that our kids already have, as opposed to weaknesses or what needs to be “fixed.”

When we work with our kids from their highest baseline, we support their flourishing; when we work with them from their lowest baseline, we merely lessen a negative, at best.

It sounds intuitive enough but usually doesn’t come naturally—our brains are wired for finding what’s wrong, both from an evolutionary perspective, and from the societal trends of caregiving that influence popular culture and our own upbringing. This book is helpful in recalibrating our thinking from a reactive, fix-it approach to one that’s strength-based and feels empowering to both parents and kids.

Waters says that one of the first steps to shifting this mindset is to notice and point out our strengths. When someone does something positive or prosocial, like helping a friend who falls down or showing zest in helping plan a party, we can look for the strength underneath that behavior and point it out to our kids. This leads to their self-awareness about their strengths and self-management to use it again in the future. It may also provide a path forward when kids get into trouble: rather than feeling paralyzed by guilt or shame, they can think of the situation in terms of overplaying and underplaying their strengths, and draw on their repertoire to try something different next time.

As a parent, supporting self-awareness and growth has always been one of my biggest concerns. This book was appealing to me because it focuses not on achievement or talent, but on what ultimately matters most—character and becoming a good (dare I say) self-actualized person.

It also comes from a place of respect and listening to our kids. I was recently listening to an episode of the Good Inside podcast with Raffi where he talks about his own upbringing and not feeling emotionally seen by his parents. It’s a hard reality that feeling emotionally dismissed or neglected not only affects one’s childhood but the rest of one’s life, from our boundaries to our mental heath, our communication style to overall social and emotional intelligence. (More on that here, here and here.) In The Strength Switch, Waters operates from a place of respect, honoring the authenticity and feelings of the child, and I liked that a lot.

There are many articles and tips out there on strength-based parenting.

Here are seven good ones that share tips and insight that can be used right now to explore or build on strengths with kids at home:

(1) How to Be A Strengths-Based Parent
This is an essay adapted from The Strength Switch wherein Waters goes into the power of strength-based parenting and how to focus on strengths. She recommends starting by noticing one strength about your child and commenting on it. Another tip is to create a strengths diary where you write down three strengths you noticed in your child and, after two weeks, write them a letter about them. She also suggests mapping the strengths of your family and putting it up on the fridge where kids will reminded of how they can work together with their strengths. Waters also discusses the importance of authenticity in this approach—strength-based parenting does not mean wearing giving false praise, seeing only the positive or ignoring problems.

(2) 5 Steps for Recognizing Strengths in Kids
Useful tips on how to build awareness about strengths, from following your child’s interests to making a “strengths chain” or an “accomplishments box.” This website also has a big list of types of strengths here if you’re looking beyond VIA’s 24 Character Strengths.

(3) Cultivating Character Strengths in Kids
This article highlights the importance of paying attention to what kids enjoy and do well. They also recommend exploring books (book guides here) and media.

(4) Two Ways to Improve Your Parenting by Dr. Ryan Niemiec
Niemic recommends learning to “SEA” your child by: first, spotting the character strength in action (S); explaining what you saw (E); appreciating, reinforcing, teaching, or supporting them (A).

(5) See Me Beautiful: Cultivating Strengths in Young Children
Parent coach Elizabeth Elizardi talks about sitting at the dinner table with her feisty daughters and shifting name-calling into a teachable moment. To strength spot, she recommends watching kids play, reflecting on peak experiences, talking to teachers and caregivers and providing exposure to a wide range of activities. She has lots of great suggestions on cultivating strengths at home. (This article is from 2012.)

(6) 5 Steps to Strength Based Parenting
Drawing on Lea Waters research, this article explains that a strength has three elements: performance (a child is good at it); energy (it leaves them feeling energized and motivated); and use (a child naturally chooses to use the strength). Also listed are 5 steps to strength-based parenting.

(7) Different Ways to View and Boost Your Strengths
Focusing on six types of strengths, this article frames character strengths in different ways (e.g. signature strengths, happiness strengths, middle strengths) to help you think about how and when to harness them.

If you have any additional recommendations here, I’d love to share them (email).